R is for Ruins

There aren't a lot of Viking ruins around today. There are a lot of theories on why, but the real reason is that someone let Klaufi cook.

Award!

Better late than never, I am finally addressing the great honor that has been bestowed upon me by the lovely M.S.Forster, a fellow (though much more respectable) writer who is waiting for her first novel to come out. Apparently, the honor comes with these tasks:
1) Copy the pretty picture and post it on your blog.
2) Thank the person that gave it to you and link to their blog.
3) Write 7 things about yourself we don't know.
4) Choose 7 other bloggers you would like to pass the award to.
5) Link to those 7 other bloggers.
6) Notify your 7 bloggers.

So...

Thank you, dearest! Glad that I amused you!
My seven things are as follows:
1. I have released an EP as a singer/songwriter, and am hoping to release more music next year once I have the necessary recording equipment.
2. I am learning capoeira.
3. I love to design tattoos for people.
4. I have a finished novel manuscript sitting around that I'm still too nervous to send to a publisher.
5. I have Celiac disease. I like to freak people out by saying I have a genetic autoimmune disease. It's not as bad as it sounds.
6. I'm addicted to I Can Has Cheezburger.
7. I still haven't quite got the hang of this whole American thing.

Seven awesome creative blogs:

Borderline Bonkers, dearest childhood friend and fellow artist.
DeliaJude, my sweet cousin and fellow lover of beauty.
Tarah, a good friend who is just plain creative at life, even if she's not a so-called 'artist'.
Stuff and Stuff, friend and talented photographer
Jennifer, incurable DIYer and all-around creative mind.
Aubrey, a talented makeup artist as well as photographer.
The Emperor Has No Toque, a funny, poignant writer who lives on a houseboat and is battling cancer.

And now, back to the comix...

Q ist for Quiet

Vikings are not quiet. Their fearsome war cries cause their enemies to quake in their boots. The beat of their ships' drums send entire villages running for the hills. Even when they are home, they spend their days doing noisy things like blacksmithing and ship-building. Klaufi wishes they would keep it down and let him nap.

P is for Pillage

Vikings are experts on the art of pillaging. They know that it is best to choose settlements that have valuables, or at least items that the will pay a nice ransom for. Most of all, Vikings must know their strength, so that they may choose settlements that are easily intimidated and overpowered. This explains Klaufi's large collection of acorns.

O is for Odin

The Vikings' chief god, Odin, cuts a pretty impressive figure. He rides around with his goddess wife on an eight-legged horse, commanding a pair of fearsome wolves and a pair of ravens who spy on the world for him - all of this with only one eye. Klaufi isn't fooling anyone.

N is for Night

Where the Vikings live, it is nighttime for most of the winter. The darkness sometimes makes it very difficult to tell which loo is for the girls and which is for the boys. Or at least that's the excuse Klaufi makes.

Chromatrope Records

A brief Klaufi break for shameless self-promotion. My Kickstarter.com project is officially launched! Please visit the project site and help me reach my goal - if I don't reach it, I don't get a penny!
Bugs and Fishes,
Madame Bluestocking

M is for Minnesota

Viking? This is not a Viking! He has no axe, no sword, nothing but a funny little lump of leather! And are those supposed to be horns on his helmet? Please!

L is for Laundry

Laundry is a difficult prospect when it is very cold out and Maytag hasn't opened any stores nearby. It involves a lot of heating water over the fire and trying to work clothespins quickly enough to keep your fingers from freezing. Freeze-drying may be effective, but clothing that will stand up on its own can really chafe in inconvenient places!

K is for King

(A nod of sorts to Bill Watterson)
Viking kings have it pretty good. They have the nicest horses, the best food, and the prettiest Ingas, not to mention most people will do pretty much anything they say or risk becoming stemware. Alas, one of the preferred characteristics of a good king is being taller than at least half of one's subjects, so Klaufi can't hope to do much better than a stray dog and some chunks of snow.

J is for Jewelry

Bear's teeth are a girl's best friend.
Vikings love to adorn themselves and their women with bits of the things they kill. Nothing sets off lovely flaxen hair like a nice, polished bone or a gleaming claw. Klaufi is quite proud of the chicken talon necklace he has made himself from last night's dinner.

I is for Invasion

Vikings are rather fond of invading. Not only did it bring them wealth and adventure, it also diluted the gene pool of Europe and beyond with their lovely blond hair and blue eyes. Klaufi doesn't get to do any diluting and isn't tall enough to reach the oars in the boats, so he stays home and invades the chicken coop so him mother can cook him eggs for breakfast.

H is for Helmets

Everyone knows Vikings like a good helmet. Some prefer the large horns of a virile bull. Some prefer a slimmer, more feminine horn. Some like the majestic look of a nice pair of wings. Others like adornments that double as skewers for roasting sausage over the campfire. Klaufi tends to cut himself on sharp things, so his mother makes his horns out of papier mache every week.

G is for Girls

There are two kinds of Viking girls - Ingas and Helgas. Both of them scare Klaufi, and for good reason. Both of them could crush a man with their pinky finger. The difference between the two is that Helga has to chase him to do it. Inga can make him ask for it.

F is for Fur

Fur served many purposes to the Vikings - warmth, weather protection, decoration - and of course, nothing says "I'm a bloodthirsty barbarian" like a big hood and cape made of a polar bear pelt! Klaufi is hoping to get enough weasels for a nice scarf.

E is for Eating

Vikings love to eat, especially big Viking warriors who have had a long, hard day of pillaging or hunting. But since the warriors get to eat first, Klaufi is lucky if he gets a few scraps of gristle and a bone out of the roast beast. Cold potatoes again tonight, little fella!

D is for Drinking

Mead is a Viking's best friend. It is the perfect drink to cover up the taste of the fragments of the enemy's brain that still cling to the inside of the skulls that Úlfarr and his fellow warriors use in place of stemware. Klaufi is not allowed any mead, because the best he could do was the skull of a very small mouse that died a natural death.

C is for Cold

Oh, Úlfarr is such a joker! He has buried poor Klaufi in a snowbank. But not to worry. Úlfarr wouldn't leave him there. It is very cold where the Vikings live, and surely a friend like Úlfarr would not leave Klaufi out in it for long. Right? Hello? Anyone?

B is for Beard

A Viking ought to have a large beard in which to weave the bones of his enemies, and to store food in for the long pillaging trips. Klaufi can barely manage a moustache (and honestly, his mother made it for him out of bits of her own moustache), but Klaufi's friend, the mighty Úlfarr, has a nice, thick one that he grew himself, as Klaufi shows you here.

Viking ABCs with Klaufi: A

Every good Viking needs a good, sharp axe. The blade must be nice and curvy, and should be at least twice the size of your head if you plan on making it into any legends. It may hang on your back or your belt, but either way, be sure to move it out of the way when sitting, lying down, or gesturing broadly.

Meet Klaufi

This is Klaufi. He is a Viking. For the next several posts, he will be your host and educator as we present The Viking ABCs. Note: If you are a Viking scholar, do not bother pointing out all of the inaccuracies. Klaufi is a cartoon, and therefore will unabashedly subscribe to each and every myth and stereotype that has ever been perpetuated about his people without apology.
Next post: A (of course)